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Monday, 23 March 2009
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The Sprung Spring Sprang...
He's here to help with his soothingly suave voice.
Enjoy this seasonal haiku:
It's that time of year.
Yellow dust on my car, shoo!
Makes my eyes water.
Spring is here. The dogwoods are blooming, the grass is returning, my car is covered in pollen. All this reminds me of the Greek story of Spring. You see, Demeter made an agreement with Hades, god of the underworld, that she would give him her daughter, Persephone, to be his wife, but only for half the year. So, when Persephone, the goddess of life, went to the underworld to perform her wifely duties, all the plants would slowly die. But when she returned, everything would come back to life. Hence, we have fall, winter, and spring. And eventually, Persephone and Hades had an evil son named Pollenicus, the god of seasonal allergies, and whenever his mom left the underworld, he would get mad and take it out upon the mortals until one day the Antonio Banderas bee came along with Nasonex and saved all the mortals.
Spring Break. Two words with the power to take you back to some specific moment in your life. Sadly, all my spring break memories are dull and unexciting, but something happened this year which is worth remembering. And it happened on I-65 South at mile marker 303...
After a very interesting morning of ninja masks, parking decks, and downtown Huntsville, I was on my way home. However, about 10 miles ahead of me, there was an epic crash of Biblical proportions. Traffic came to an absolute stop for an hour and a half. People were getting out of their cars, walking around the interstate, socializing with one another. I just broke out the IPod and watch the world around me go insane. But for one man, this traffic catastrophe was not a hassle for him, it was an opportunity. He must have checked himself out in his rear view mirror making sure that his hair was in place, tie straight, nothing stuck in his teeth, gave himself a pep talk, and then hit the road. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret...I am easily startled (I said a little secret). This man knocked on my window and I took notice of his presence very nonchalantly and in no way did I jump and shriek...no way. Anywho, I roll down the window and the following takes place:
Man: "This sure is crazy traffic!"
Me: "Yeah...sure is..."
Man: "Hey, let me ask you a question. Do you like meat?"
Me: "Uh..........What?" (At this point, I'm thinking I should have packed my knife in the front with me.
Man: "Applebee's overstocked on their New York strip steaks and I'm selling them for $5 each."
What I said: "Ummm...No thanks.”
What I thought: "Seriously, We're stuck here for who knows how long. What am I going to do with a steak? Pop the hood and grill it on the engine? By the time this traffic breaks and I drive the two and half hours to get home from here, the steak will probably not be edible anymore. Be gone!"
Downtrodden and defeated, the Meat Man moves on down the line trying to peddle his wares. I didn't see him sell anything to the people in front of me, but who knows, maybe he found some buyers, and I hope he did, because in retrospect, I have to applaud his tenacity.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
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Little Things...
This year didn't start off too well: being sick, Snoe, the sun leaving Birmingham. But things have been good this week. Some big things went well, but I find that it's the small things that have the most impact. For instance, when I got back to my apartment, I was walking around the complex and my neighbor's dog (a very Lassie-like beast) who usually takes pleasure in barking at me like I'm a walking steak, did not. She was lying in front of the window in a big patch of sunshine. All was well in her world.
I had my own little moment of warm emotional sunshine too today. My morning at Cumberland already had me in a very good mood. In lue of going to Wal-Mart to get provisions, I ordered something to hold me over. The delivery man shows up and after we exchange legal tender for food he points out that there was a quarter on my porch. In a split second, I came to the following realizations: 1.) I love engaging in psychological warfare (that's a given); 2.) I'm probably never going to see this man ever again.
Me: "I know. I put it there."
Dude: "Why?"
Me: *Looks down at the quarter* "It knows what it did..." Close door.
Then we played a little game called "See how long the confused person stands at the door before walking away." It was about 7 seconds. He looked like he wanted to knock, but he walked away.
For the curious:
Yes, I did put that quarter out there
Yes, I did have a very good reason for doing so
No, I will not tell you why. It happened during finals and my captain of my brainship wasn't on the bridge during this particular incident
Yes, I am a big box of crazy, but I would like to think that it’s the fun kind. -
Old Habits Die Hard...
Originally written January 11, 2009
For some of you, this will come as a shock. I have a pathological and irrational fear of cephalopods and all things tentacled: mainly octopi. The origins of this distaste are not important; just know that I have been keeping an eye on the ocean abomination for some time.
To get you up to speed, here is a short list of the evils of octopi:
1.) The devil came to Eve as an octopus when he tempted her. (Popular belief was that he came as a snake, but if you remember, God cursed the creature to crawl on its belly forever and cephalopod means "stomach foot." Boo-yah!)
2.) What do you do in the event of a shark attack? You punch it in the nose or go for the eyes. What do you do in the event of an octopus attack? You take your divers knife and you cut your own throat, because when an octopus eats you, not only does it consume your flesh, it consumes your soul (because of the aforementioned devil involvement).
3.) What do you do if you're a shark and you're attacked by an octopus? Hope it'll be over soon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9A-oxUMAy8
4.) In August 2007, an octopus learned how to open jars. No big deal, until they are twisting open our skulls to suck out our delicious brains and consume our souls. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6mtZSzYeM0
5.) They've attacked our underwater cameras. What are you trying to hide, octopi? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1MiTwLVU7Y (See Description: Curious? Curious about what your face tasted like.)
6.) They've attacked our cities. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5nh9SmDgDM
The list is virtually endless, but the latest is:
7.) They have hired a PR company to help with all the negative press. These marketing gurus were faced with an almost impossible task of turning these aquatic death machines into something more family friendly, but they managed to do it. With just a little pigmentation in the right spot, these tentacle terrors have gone from "AHHH" to "Ahh..."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/4160791/Pi glet-squid-is-always-smili ng.html
Your eyes don't deceive you, that squid has a smile on it's "face." He's smiling because he loves the taste of blood. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ask not why the grinning bobcat grins, ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do to put octopi on the extinct list, and NEVER ask why a cephalopod is smiling.
Innocent Observer: "My, what a big smile you have."
Tentacle Terror: "The better to eat you with!!"
Innocent Observer: "That doesn't make sense...AHHH You're eating my face and soul!!"
Tentacle Terror: "Huzzah!" -
Best Judge Ever...
Originally written January 7, 2009
The following is taken from a court order issued on June 6th, 2006:
"This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff’s Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED.
Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of “rock, paper, scissors.” The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in
Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801." -
Tom Cruise Can't Sing...
Now that that is out of the way, let’s talk about airplanes. I know the subject has been beaten to death by comedians of all shapes and sizes (What’s the deal with the tiny peanut bags?), but I’ll try to raise some original gripes. For instance, why is the relationship between flyer and flyee so one-sided? For instance, as I was sitting, waiting for my plane to arrive so that I may leave on a jet plane (not being exactly sure when I may or may not come back again)), when a man with bags comes running up to the flight gate czaritza who just let the last passenger onto the plane. The man asked if he could board the plane. “No, boarding ended at 11:00.” Man responded, “But it’s 11:00 now.” Czaritza: “Boarding ended AT 11:00. Those are the rules!!” The late and crestfallen man sulked away to find another flight. An hour later, same czaritza informs us that while our plane is sitting outside and ready to go, the Buffalo airport has lost power so we were being delayed an hour. I reasoned that boarding was supposed to being at 12:20, and we should get on at 12:20. Those are the rules. We may sit on the runway for awhile, but nonetheless. So as the score stands, if you are late, the airport shows no pity, even if it’s the airports fault, but if the airport is late, then we must all be very accommodating and patient, which they thank us in advance for being.
On the airplane, no electronics in use during takeoff and landing and some things like cell phones are verboten. I figure one of two reasons. The first is that maybe the pilots are like your parents when you were a kid on a long road trip, and when the traffic got bad, they turned off the radio and you had to be quiet. “Passengers, be quiet and put your laptops and music players away, I got to concentrate.” The other reason is that maybe my 3 ounce MP3 player has some adverse affect on the miles of electronics in the plane and somehow disrupts the “Explosion Preventer” program.
They had to move me and put me on the wing emergency exit. The flight crew informed me that with a crappy seat comes great responsibility. Namely: 1.) remove emergency door in the event of an emergency, 2.) follow instructions, and; 3.) not to be distracted. I am more than qualified for the first part because in the event of an emergency I will super-Hulk Jay power to remove that door like no one’s business. After that, my duties became fuzzy. I was hoping that my instructions would not entail me helping others out of the plane. I looked around and noted all the people that I loved/liked/knew/looked important and connected/ was a flight gate czaritza because I would make an effort to save 4 out 5 of those people. Lastly, not be distracted? By what? The fire, flooding water, screams and all other things that would accompany my need to open that door? Maybe someone told them about my inclination to think about bunnies…*sigh*…so fluffy…so hoppity…
DeVusDreamer
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- Name: Jay
- Location: Birmingham, Alabama, United States
- Birthday: 7/18/1984
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 9/20/2005
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A 23 year old law school student who majored in History, minored in Business. He like muffins and short walkes on the beach. He is symetrical, ladies. This is his story...
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At what point does doing something fun become work?
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